***TRIGGER WARNING – If you have an eating disorder….You have been warned- and I am not your fucking trigger. Own your shit. Own your disease.***
I am too sick. I am not sick enough. Do you know how that messes with an anorexic’s mind? MIND FUCK. And not to mention how that breathes life into all my other chronic illnesses…..they feed off each other like Leaches sucking my lifeless blood. Fucking succubuses. I’m so empty, broken, beaten, fucking running out of all that sustains me. And the vampires of chronic illness, pain and anorexia all nibble at each other like god damn piranhas. Shredded. Flesh and bone.
So what is it. Please tell me. Because I’m either too sick with things that’s aren’t real like Fibro and CFS- it’s all in my head. OR I am not sick enough – like maybe I could lose a few more pounds? Be a real fucking anorexic and put down the piece of pizza you fat bitch. It’s not like you have Cancer, dummy. And you are the one slowly killing yourself! So why on earth would anyone help you?
How sick or not sick do I need to be for even my closest friends and family to share the god damn GoFundMe I had to start TO GET THE HELP I FUCKING NEED? *note – this is not about my GoFundMe, originally started to get legal aid for my divorce but has morphed into a basic plea to help me save myself*
It’s about to get graphic. And I’m not sorry. You tell me if THIS is normal. Because right now I’m feeling like a failure. I’ve failed as a mother. A wife. A friend. A daughter. I’ve failed at Anorexia. Im not Anorexic enough for help. I need to do better…. Starve myself better. Is that how people are going to take me fucking seriously?? Must I waste away even more? I AM ABOUT 90 POUNDS.
See below and tell me I look ok…..
How many more bones do you need to see? More things protruding from body, you say? Show you more? I can do that. I DO NOT WANT TO. But I can do it. I am stubborn, I am a control freak – which DUH that’s what an Eating Disorder is. We can’t control anything else in our lives so we control what we can – what we eat. It happens even without trying. My life fell apart, I had no control and in slipped that cunty soul sucker Anorexia. All the sudden Im not eating. It’s just stress. NBD. Oh but I like this thinner version of me! There is the disease. Right there. In comes that snowball…..
The very thing that plagues us – FOOD – is what we need to sustain us. Ironic, right? Like I don’t need to do meth to survive. It kept me going, dancing, partying, popular – my shit did not stink, roll out the red fucking carpet I AM HERE. It kept me awake for days, not hungry, thirsty….but it wasn’t keeping me alive. Or… Was it?
But I need to EAT FOOD to survive. And food is the enemy. How fucked up is that? How do I make peace with me, my body and food – how? Because that’s how I stay alive.
It all started when I was molested (several times…I lived in a SICK neighborhood and all the parents – except the molesters – didn’t seem to notice because they were too busy fucking each other’s husbands and wives) then going through my parents divorce. I was chubby. I saw my mom hyper focused on exercise and diet food. She had an eating disorder too. The cycle repeats itself unil you break it. Thank Gods I don’t have a daughter to pass down a fucked up body image too.
Anyways…..
She had a pair of acid wash size 3 jeans. All I wanted was to fit in them. So I stopped eating. I began obsessively exercising. It just happened. Like no effort at all. I made the decision and that was enough breeding ground for my eating disorder to grow.
I made food for everyone else – so they would get fat.
Me – I ate very little. I ate a bottle of Tums once because it wasn’t “food”…..don’t do THAT.
I have fought this all my life. It has come and gone. I did meth and any drug that made me not hungry, to be skinny. And to be fucked up. But skinny was the root of the evil….of my addictions.
I feel like giving up. A lot. I feel like I’m alone in a world where no one understands or cares or they have put up with me too long so they leave….. I’m sure I put them through hell and they are probably better off without me. But I….I would NEVER leave anyone at their lowest. Distance myself? Sure. But I would always let you know – I am here for you if you need me and I will love you through anything. That’s what my best friend (the one that is left, and clearly the only one that ever mattered) tells me. “I will love you through anything.” Sometimes all you need to hear are words that are that simple – but powerful, honest, meaningful, THE TRUTH.
I also have a son.
Who once thought that there was no one else but me. And now, I’m not important. I cracked under pressure and became a different mommy. A mommy that he doesn’t like anymore. It kills me. I let him go live with his dad so he could be happy and I could get better. Become the mommy he knew not very long ago…..but where is she? She’s slipping away. I may have you fooled but it’s a lie. I’m not ok. Im not getting better. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to do anything but give up and give into this……
No promises.
Lyme Bite-Curious 